Crille’s death // Recollections I

August 2013 – April 2014

The human being who had been my boyfriend and fiancé for nearly 6 years of my youth and early adulthood decided to take his life. He jumped in front of a train on the 3rd of July 2013, nearly two months ago 9 months ago. These are photos recollections from and about my time in his home town in Sweden around the days of the funeral a month after his death.



I stayed in Surahammar for two nights and went for an evening walk through the town on both days. With first the streets, then the fields and trees slowly darkening around me, everything felt both oddly familiar and strangely new. I had never been in this part of town by foot with Crille, and I didn’t know whether he would have found it as neat and soothing as I did.

On the first evening walk, I tried to reach the countryside church to look at it before the funeral, but didn’t make it before night broke in.
On the second night, after the funeral, I ran there to make it before it would be too dark to find the way back home. It is a beautiful churchyard, with a splendid view going out over a river flowing by down the gravestone-adorned meadows, and on sunny days, you’re nearly blinded by the glistening of the sun on the river shimmering through the birch leaves when standing next to the empty meadow space yet only reserved for his grave.

The sun always goes down so magnificently in Sweden; but maybe it is just because the horizon is visible much deeper when you’re standing on a small hill with no city houses around, or because I idealise the days I spent in Sweden.

I don’t know whether he would have liked it as much. He did seem to enjoy the calm on a summery day in nature, but he didn’t have any particular feelings for nature for its own sake. I always wished he would.
But then I can’t even know, maybe he had feelings of his own that were simply different from mine and not translatable.


It was very strange and very beautiful to be back in his hometown after 3 years, to see all the places I had been with him before and to meet his family and to smell the all-too-familiar scent of the flat he had been living in with his mom and little brother. Nowadays, his brother has moved out months ago and his mother is the same as always, just so downcast, so downcast, and I cried a lot more than her when we met because her despondency and the weight of the scents and sights and the way the wind feels in that town crushed down on me with all the weight that is left behind by someone who is no longer there.
His mother, I got the feeling, didn’t have a clue about how to deal with it and instead just did it as she went, and I reckon I did the same.

I spent the evening before the funeral eating with her and her partner, a meal full of tears and memories. She showed me the death notice they had put up in the local newspapers and I gave her a usb stick with all the photos I had from all the years of being together with her son.

In his room, on his strangely empty desk what with his computer no longer there, there were flowers and sympathy cards. His bed was made with a pair of jeans and a hoodie jacket neatly on top. His mom told me that he had left it like that, and that she often spent the nights sitting there and hugging the clothes. When I later mentioned that the hoodie jacket was one I had once given him for christmas, she offered me to take it with me and keep it. That was gracious and beautiful, and it’s in my wardrobe now and sometimes I wear it at home as though there was nothing strange about it, and sometimes I don’t know how to touch it.
She also showed me a drawer he still had with things that belonged to me, small letters, drawings, a notepad with notes and homework from my school time. Like the me from yesterday would come back like every holiday. I don’t have a clue how he felt about me during the last two years. It would not have been unlike him to simply have forgotten those items in the drawer and never need the space, because everything that meant something to him was on his computer anyway (or, of course, in his heart and head).


His mother told me that the autopsy revealed that there had been no drugs, no alcohol or other foreign substances in his system when he took his life. She said that it is a relief, because that means that it was his own decision to take his life, and that is something she has to accept, and it is easier if it is what he decided to will by himself.
I agree, and at the same time I cannot fathom what his body must have looked like after meeting a train. I sometimes wonder whether he died from the collision, or was run over and whether there was some kind of slicing, or just impact, or whatever. Who found him. Whether his mother or brother had to identify him. Did he carry an ID with him so they might be spared that?

What did he think of in the last moments of his life anyway?

I find myself wondering these things sometimes, and more often I find myself managing way too easily to simply not think about them, and I was too scared to ask.



4 thoughts on “Crille’s death // Recollections I”

  1. Hi, Judith,

    I knew Crille very briefly back when I played in Titania.
    Earlier today I was searching for videos, pictures and players’ names for a little recollection of my days of playing Tibia and I came by this post when searching for “Karelazi the Sorcerer”.
    I am deeply sorry to know this. Now I can’t stop wondering what happened to many of the people I got to know in that game, some of the names I can barely recall. This feeling of time passing by is truly mesmerizing.

    I hope you are doing ok,
    André a.k.a. “Scardoflax”, “Duths” and “Phill’Devil”

  2. I don’t think I’ve seen the updates before. Right now I kind of stumbled on this post by accident as it’s one of the highlighted ones at the top of the page.

    It was moving rereading this after all this time and seeing the new parts. I’ve actually wondered from time to time why exactly Crille had done that, but I don’t think I ever asked you if you had an insight on that. I suppose I didn’t at first fearing it’d rankle you, and then I didn’t want to bring it up again after some time had passed.

    Wonder how you feel about it nowadays, too.

    1. I’m glad that I managed to share some of my emotions in a way that moved you – I really am!

      Of course, I’ve also been wondering why exactly Crille made this decision and pulled it through. I guess no one really knows, and I reckon it is a straightforwardly true but unenlightening answer that he suffered from severe depression. From another perspective, I suspect there was not enough of a social net of friends or coworkers or school mates or neighbours or whatever for him to fall back on. Too many things came together: I believe he still had not found a job at that time, he’d quit school too early without a proper degree, and he lived too far from the friends he’d made online over the years to really be with them outside of Tibia. Maybe he did not feel he had a proper place in the world. Maybe hopelessness and shame came into the mix. His mother told me that he’d started cooking occasionally, and with some regularity started going to the gym, but I guess that did not do much to relieve the bigger, actual problems. He suffered greatly and did not know where to put this suffering nor saw any hope for relief on the horizon, so he decided to put an end to it. That’s what I think. And I reckon he never sought any professional help for getting out of that rut.

      I really wish I had dared to contact him a year or two after our separation. Maybe I’d have been able to get him to go to therapy. Who knows? But I was afraid of hurting him and keeping him from entering a new period in his life, and thought that I did not get to be the one to decide when enough time had passed for us to speak to each other again. And anyway, there’s not much use in such thinking.

      So nowadays I feel a mix of resignation, of sadness for the waste for the world losing such a lovable person, of nostalgia for the couple we were in our youth and for the life we’d envisioned together in our good days, and gratitude that I got to know Crille so well for a while and that we had so many good times together.

Add a thought / comment / reply