Occasionally, when I have a melancholy phase, I go back and continue googling your name. It feels almost compulsive: your name, combined with your home town, or with the name of your Tibia character; your name with or without “Tibia”, or your birth name that you never really used online; together with terms of the things I knew you to like – an open tibia server, a page to post code, anything; different combinations, always hoping I’ll stumble over something new I have missed before.
I must know more about you and who you were, because that is my duty as someone you left behind who knew you well.
Because I am the only one who can do it from this angle –
Or am I? I don’t even know, and I wish that were different;
And in a way, I hope that it will never be different. I hope that I can never fully accept that you are gone, because that way, you remain with me down here in my duty, and I will keep you here.
And all this is horribly self-centered and does not have much to do with anything that means anything for you, but you are gone, so what can I do, right?