Today, Ole and yours truly accompanied Terry to his Luisenturmlauf 21,1k trail race in Borgholzhausen. Since the two of us did not feel like racing, we went for a little exploratory run around Borgholzhausen instead. I never really notice what it is that makes winter feel so lonely and empty, but one of the things that makes spring felt everywhere is the sound of birds chirping and singing merrily in every corner of the woods. The birds are back, and spring is coming! Marvellous.
Nothing quite as fun as breaking in a new pair of trail shoes in the woods during a surprise hailstorm.
I’d been working on a thesis all day and the skies had been overcast, so when the sun broke through all of a sudden and the sky was all clear blue optimism, I did not hesitate. I put on my new lovely then-shiny Salomon Sense Pros with new foot orthotics, grabbed the Salomon Park Hydro Handheld with a few things and headed out to the nearby woods for a run.
The last days of any given year always have an air of tension and finality to me, like something fundamental will definitely change before the last day of the year is over, whether I end up noticing what it is or not. It’s weird, really, hard to put into words.
Such it has also been this time, but the days were a neat experience because Terry, Ole and Erik stayed with me in my little flat for a few days. Besides a lot of N64 and Assassin’s Creed II gaming, my favourite experiences were our two little running adventures: one in autumn colours and one clad in freshly fallen snow. These are the pictures, two little overviews first!
I like tea as well as coffee, and I drink a lot of tea. If I did not have such a nervous tummy, prone to respond to coffee with heartburn and cramps, I think I might also have become a regular coffee drinker deeply interested in the whole thing – procedures, beans, origins, traditions, roasting, preparations. But as it stands, I’ll continue going to coffeeshops, begin by marvelling at the splendid aromas in the air, but proceed by skipping over the coffees on the menu most of the time and order something else instead.
It’s queer, what could have been, it’s in the little things, it’s in the details.
Occasionally, when I have a melancholy phase, I go back and continue googling your name. It feels almost compulsive: your name, combined with your home town, or with the name of your Tibia character; your name with or without “Tibia”, or your birth name that you never really used online; together with terms of the things I knew you to like – an open tibia server, a page to post code, anything; different combinations, always hoping I’ll stumble over something new I have missed before.
I must know more about you and who you were, because that is my duty as someone you left behind who knew you well.
Because I am the only one who can do it from this angle –
Or am I? I don’t even know, and I wish that were different;
And in a way, I hope that it will never be different. I hope that I can never fully accept that you are gone, because that way, you remain with me down here in my duty, and I will keep you here.
And all this is horribly self-centered and does not have much to do with anything that means anything for you, but you are gone, so what can I do, right?
But on any given day, my mood hangs in a fragile balance –
give me too long out in the world during the day, and I grow tired and weary of everything that happens around me, irritable and unable to react appropriately to all the stimuli, wanting desperately to hide in a pile of leaves and hole up like the hedgehog until spring wakes me –
but give me too long at home alone, and I grow anxious, disconcerted by the prospect of going back out into the world and having to function, I grow sleepy and nested up inside myself, longing for a summer day to go out and bask in sunlight without having second thoughts –
Whenever I make the switch, good things usually happen and I can blossom again.
But it is always a fragile balance, the harmony between the social and the private, the outer and the inner, between challenge and relaxation, stimulus and stagnancy, movement and rest, the play and the calm.
But what can I do? And there are always storms.
With the weather forecast predicting a sunny day, I took the day off from University work and went for a solo hike in the Teutoburg Forest. Excepting a single run, it has been 3 weeks of illness since I last got out into nature like this! Luckily, there’s a bus going from Münster main station to a stop just a km from the “Dörenther Klippen” – literally “the cliffs of Dörenthe” – where I wanted to start.
but I want his wings
I can shine, even in the darkness
but I crave the light that he brings
revel in the songs that he sings
I am fine by myself, I am content with me and who I am, and yet I depend on other people. On my fascination for them, and spending a lot of time contemplating them. Who they are, how they feel and how they think, what they do and why and what makes them move forward and backwards and makes them get up in the morning and what they think about in the evening before falling asleep and why they smile and get angry or sad or happy.
And I contemplate what that makes me. What does my fascination with them make me, and my warm feelings for certain features and dislike of others and indifference to yet others? What does it make me that I react to them in certain ways, and do not in others? What am I in relation to them? Why do I depend on them? On what part of them do I depend? Do I even really depend or do I just like to think I do? Who am I? Who am I without them? Who am I in relation to them, because that is what is real – ?
I am human. They are human.
Photos. Memories. Thoughts. Arts. Reflections and ADVENTURES!