Category Archives: Notes

dementia & helplessness

Trust

Dear beloved little granny,

yesterday, like every Tuesday during our visit, when we said we had to leave, you asked me in a small voice if I could not always stay with you and help you.

It breaks my heart, the way you make odd mistakes in your choice of words and grammar, because the language part of your brain that has been working tirelessly for 90 years cannot keep up with the overwhelming strength of your wish to express what you feel. It breaks my heart, the consistency with which you ask if I can stay, although you forget everything else that happens within minutes or even seconds;
but your helplessness has caught up with you anyway.

What a cruel thing, to know, even if subconsciously, that you do not know a lot anymore. To remember that a lot of what you do is forget. To not understand why, but to feel you need help.
I wish I could do more for you, hold onto you and your memories and your deeply kind personality, but in a way, I am as helpless as you are.

Yours forever, Judith

Vesuvius // Sufjan Stevens

Dear Sufjan Stevens,

I loved what you did to your music at your concert in the colosseum theatre in Essen. You and your band took the essence of the songs, gave them enough room to unfold, then swirled and transformed them into their own reprises, occasionally letting things escalate in a multitude of layers beyond the moon and back, and at other times letting the sounds ebb and swell to Sufjan’s solitary softness of a voice.

And I loved the combination of light and video around the oddly shaped background canvas, the beautiful stills of soothing mountain sea panoramas, the childhood VHS videos, and the weirdly evolving geometric shapes.

And really, I was overwhelmed by you, Sufjan, because I never knew someone could deliver a song so meaningfully with the way they moved, sometimes little, sometimes awkwardly, sometimes with weird dance moves I am sure have some sort of tradition to them, and sometimes just moving unselfconsciously in line with the rhythm (which was kinda sexy).

And to top it all off, we could enjoy the concert sitting in comfortable theatre chairs… I wish to see a concert like this again, some day, but until then, I will try to keep this feeling alive in my heart.

Love love love,
Judith


vesuvius

– Here goes the album version of “vesuvius”, which does not do the thing at the concert justice, but nonetheless manages to evoke the atmosphere for me.

fly, run, walk

Dear legs,

Today was the first time in a long long time I asked you to run for me on my regular home round around the Promenade in Münster. It was fabulous to have you work together with my heart and lungs to let me forget myself, and enjoy as simple and raw a sensation as fast, self-sustained movement.
For the most part we flew, and it was only towards the end that we slowed to a run to cool down, and finally walked when we met Terry at the end.
Maybe we can go back to doing this more often again.

With love, and gratefulness,
Judith


flyrunwalk
the prized possessions, pictured with the north face’s ‘better than naked’ shorts – not pictured: my sweatyashell face

Dreamy-eyed and blessed with luck (and butterflies)

Marvellous. I am one lucky kid.

Yesterday, I spent some two hours sitting outside on the meadow in front of the house, fixing my bike, preparing for my oral Bachelor examination (which is tomorrow – I am slightly nervous) and waiting for C . At some point, I became aware of a pretty butterfly making its rounds and flying really close to me a few times. Then it decided to sit down on my shoe – making me lean back sloooowly and caaarefully to try and get a hold of my camera without scaring it away. I succeeded!

Later, it turned out there were actually two butterflies and they were making love or wanted to at least, chasing each other through the air in circles, soaring higher and higher with each new round.

In the course of the following hour or so, one of them recurringly returned to me. At some times, rocketing towards me at high speed and steering clear of me in the last moment – at other times, actually resting on me for some seconds. What an exhilarating feeling to be appreciated by such a pretty thing.

It took a few hundred shots (or so it feels), but finally, I managed to catch both of us on a single photo. The result can be seen in the About-section. Hooray! o/

___

Today, C. said that he associates me with soap bubbles and butterflies. They are necessarily connected with me. Such a SOSOSOSO awesome thing to be told!